Stranger Inside
by sikeminatural
Summary: Sam doesn't know who he his anymore. Spoilers for season 4 and 5
1. Chapter 1

**Authors note: **Yay, my 2nd post s4 fic :) There will be a 2nd chapter from Dean's POV and maybe one from Bobbys!!

Thank you to Erytha for reading it over for me!

There are tons of mistakes in here, so I'm sorry for that

I hope you like :)

* * *

_Have you ever stepped out of the light and realised that there's a stranger inside._

Sam sat on the bed, staring blankly at his hands but not really seeing anything. He could still feel the heat, still feel the pure evil that had been right in front of them before they'd managed to escape and make it to Bobby's panic room. He could see Bobby and Dean in the corner of his eye, watching him like he was going to freak out something. They didn't know how right they were. Obviously his addiction wasn't just going to go away. Yeah, _Addiction_. He knew that now. Over the past year, Sam had just been deluding himself. But really Ruby – no – he had poisoned himself. He'd fallen so deep that he didn't know if he could make it back again. He was in pain...he needed the blood. But he hated himself for it and he wasn't going to do that to Dean, not again. He could take the pain, he could take it. He had to. His hands started to tremble slightly but he steadied it quickly. Lucifer was out. He was here...on earth. Because of him...all because of him and his stupidity, his selfishness...Dean's _stupid _deal. Not that he'd blamed Dean for anything. It's just that if he was still dead...if Dean hadn't brought him back none of this would have happened. He wouldn't be the chosen one, or the special one or whoever the hell he was.

Sam hadn't spoken a word since Dean had managed to drag him away from the convent. He didn't know what to say...sorry wasn't enough; it'd _never _be enough where Dean was concerned. He didn't even know if Dean still saw them as brothers right now...and he knew that he should probably give Dean more credit but after the voicemail and the fight that they'd had Sam honestly didn't know. The whole thing was still a little surreal to him. It was as if he'd been sleeping for a whole year and he'd only just woken up. He'd been deluding himself, he knew that now. It was funny because he'd always been logical, always known that revenge would only leave you even more messed up than you were the first place but he'd still gone after it the way his Dad had gone after yellow eyes. Huh. He was still vaguely aware of Dean and Bobby watching him as they spoke in hushed tones as he pulled out his cell phone. Sam didn't really know why he was still dwelling on the voicemail. Or well he did. It'd been that something that'd pushed him completely to the dark side. Just hearing the person he loved the most say those things had made him careless. He'd genuinely believed that his life wouldn't be worth living if he didn't do it and he and Dean just didn't talk. And yeah he'd been angry at Dean for calling him a monster and being..._honest_.

Sam spaced out as he played the message over and over in his head along with what Dean had said right after their fight, 'If you walk out that door, don't you ever come back'. Monster...monster. MONSTER. Sam wanted to cover his ears and block it out but it was true...that's what he was. He just needed to know. Needed to know if Dean had meant it or not. He turned to see that Bobby and Dean were just openly watching him now and he took his chance. He held out the phone and Dean took it from him as his eyes filled up with confusion. Sam turned away from him almost immediately but Dean came to stand in front of him, though there was still a reasonable amount of space between him and Sam was glad. He didn't know how they could bear to be around him right now. Not when he'd screwed up everything they'd been working so hard for.

The room was so quiet that Sam heard it when Dean pushed the button to play the message. Sam looked up and watched Dean's face as he listened to the message. It went from surprised to confused and then straight onto anger. The red, fiery kind of anger. He started to say something but Sam tuned it out. The pain was getting stronger. Random images were flashing in his mind and he couldn't block them out, he had to sit there and take it. The need for demon blood was almost crippling him but he wasn't going to give in. He was brought out of his thoughts by Dean yelling angrily,

"Those sons of bitches, I'm gonna kill 'em" he shouted. Sam heard Bobby say,

"Dean, look at Sam...just calm down son, how do you think he's feeling" and Dean just mumbled something. But Sam didn't want to talk, he couldn't.

_It had to be you, Sam. _Why? Why did it have to be him? Why? Why couldn't anyone answer his question? Dean came over and sat next to him and Sam couldn't hide his flinch. _You're nothing to me. Monster. MONSTER. _Over and over he heard Dean's voice in his head and it just wouldn't go away.

"Sam?" Dean whispered suddenly, and Sam shook his head mentally as he realised that Dean was talking to him, "say something…we just want to know if you're-" Dean stopped abruptly and made a motion with his hand that assumed meant 'know if you're okay'. _No, _he wanted to scream. _No, I'm not okay…I just started the damn apocalypse what kind of fucking question is that?_ But he didn't…couldn't. He just had to shut everything out. _It's not what you're doing it's who you are! _And just like that the pain was back, his whole body started to shake and he couldn't stop it.

"D-Did you mean it..." he stammered as the pain hit him square in the chest, he didn't even know where it was coming from he could just feel it everywhere.

"Sam that message…it wasn't me" Dean said calmly and Sam froze. What wasn't him? He didn't mean to say it or he couldn't remember? Huh?

"W-Wha-What do you m-mean?" he managed to say as he bit his bottom lip so hard that he could taste his blood. And _damn, _that wasn't something that he wanted to be doing. Not right now.

"Yeah, I called you, I called to say I was sorry and that you were still my brother…that we were still brothers and that I owed you a serious beat down" Dean finished off with a quick smile that didn't quite meet his eyes and Sam could only just stare at him._ It's means that you're a monster. You don't know me, you never did, never will. _But Dean did know him…and he was a monster.

_He said I had to save you and that if I couldn't; I'd have to kill you. _This is what Dad had been talking about…Dean hadn't saved him. _If you're not careful then one of these days you will have to waste me. Sucking blood? You gotta know that's wrong. I can feel it inside me Ruby, I've changed. _

_I'm not mad, Sam…I'm just tired. I don't care. So what's the big demon problem? You are, this is for your own good. Make my death mean something. After all, how can you run from what's inside you. You turned yourself into a freak. What are you waiting for? Kill her! _Sam couldn't even make out the different voices anymore, he just wanted them to stop. He wanted everything to stop he wanted the pain to go away. His Dad had been right, Dean had to kill him.

"I can't be here" he whispered and Dean just sighed warily.

"It's not safe outside, Sam…Lu- we don't know out's there" he said just as quietly and something in Sam's mind snapped. Lucifer…he'd let him out. He'd brought about the end of the world. And all he wanted to do was to take the cowards way out. But he couldn't stay here…not while he needed demon blood just to survive.

"That's not what I meant," he replied and from the cold look on Dean's face he knew that Dean understood. He could see Dean trying not to be angry with him but that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted Dean to be mad at him, he wanted Dean to give him a 'serious beat down' because he deserved it, and he deserved everything.

"Just…shut up" Dean said coldly, ignoring the warning look that Bobby was giving him. They thought that he'd go crazy again and try and break out. But Sam was tired. He had been for a long time. Killing Lilith had been one thing, but the aftermath was a hell of a lot more than he'd realised it would be.

"You were right you know," Sam said in a sad tone, "It wasn't what I was doing…it's what I am…I'm a monster" Dean opened his mouth to say something but Sam continued,

"I'm worse than Dad…he's was obsessed with getting revenge, it made him bitter, spiteful but when it came to saving you…he was there…even though he went the wrong way about it he was there…I.." he paused as his voice broke, before continuing in an even tone, "I tried to kill you…I refused to let you stand in my way…you were only doing what Dad told you to do…you were trying to save me…" Dean didn't say anything to that for a very long time and the room was eerily silent.

"I'm sorry," Sam said and turned away and put his head in his hands. The voices would be back soon, he knew they would.

_You did it…it was a little touch and go at first but you did it.._

_you opened the door. And now he's free at last…he's free at last. _It wasn't just voices this time…he could see everything, it was crystal clear. Lilith was lying on the floor, blood running from underneath her to form some sort of symbol? It formed a sort of round shape and then several other 'lines' of blood started to crawl towards the centre of shape. They were moving so slowly that Sam could feel that something sinister was about to happen. It _had _happened. He hadn't stopped it…he'd started it. No…Sam shook his head, it wasn't supposed to be this way. He wasn't supposed to open the door. He was-

"Sam!" Dean yelled suddenly and Sam opened his eyes, he hadn't even realised that they were closed, "It's not your fault, Sam…you didn't know" Sam wanted to laugh and say that it didn't matter – he's still let Lucifer free but he couldn't. It hurt too much and mostly he was just tired. Tired of being here, tired of having to work out who he was.

"I'm sorry, "he said again not even realising that he'd said it moments before. Dean sighed wearily and ran a hand threw his hair and Sam hated himself even more for what he was putting Dean threw…and Bobby too. He looked up suddenly, where was Bobby?

"Where's Bobby?" he asked and Dean looked away from him guiltily, "_Dean" _

"We're only trying to help you, Sam…you're hurting and I don't…we don't know what else to do, how else we can help you…" Dean said quietly. Demon blood. They thought that d- that _it _would him help him. Maybe they were trying to poison him too. Sam shook his head, they wouldn't do that. He'd put them through so much but he knew that they wouldn't do that. He didn't deserve them. But he didn't want it, he could fight this without it, right? He said this to Dean and Dean just looked at him. Dean's eyes were full of sadness and disappointment. But Sam knew that Dean was disappointed with himself and no one else. And that just made the pain even worse. He didn't know who he was anymore, what he was…but Dean was still here. He'd always been here.

_See, you can love me for who I am_

_Or hate me for who you think I am_

_But the old me is dead and gone_

hH


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note**: This part contains flashbacks about what happened before the first chapter took place. It was originally a whole different fic from Dean's POV but I thought that it fit in well with the Dean part of _this _fic.

Thanks to all those who reviewed, favourited and story-alerted (I have no idea how to say that) I was pretty surprised :) so thanks and I hope I don't disappoint ya!

* * *

Dean watched as Sam sat on the bed just staring down at his. He could tell that Sam was in pain from the way he was holding himself and it hurt him to see Sam like that. Especially when he'd watched him walk out, he'd let him walk out. Him and Sam and both been screwed and he was going to make them all pay. He didn't care if revenge wasn't the answer; his brother had changed for good. Dean had seen Sam watching him and Bobby from the corner of his eye and he'd sighed. All his life he'd been expected to know the answers, he was supposed to protect Sam. _It was his Dad had always told him to do. _Screw his Dad. It went without saying. Protect his little brother. Always. So them tying to get Demon blood for Sam was just a last resort. They needed Sam on board, Dean needed Sam on board. If he was going take down L-_him _it was going to be with Sam and no one else. No one. He stole another glance at Sam and he saw that he hadn't moved. Hell, he didn't even know if they were safe here. Quietly he walked to the door and slipped out, he hovered as he looked back one more time. This was the first time since they'd got here that he'd be leaving. Not that Sam noticed. After a few moments he shut the door, he considered locking it but he didn't think Sam would escape…but he hadn't been to thrilled about there attempts to help him. Dean walked back and spun the lock on the door as quietly. He peered through the bars that allowed him to see through into the room. It was as if Sam hadn't noticed at all.

He walked back up to the main house and found Bobby in his library going though a huge book. He sighed and sank down onto the nearest couch,

"I don't know if this is such a good idea, Bobby" he said quietly. Bobby looked at him and said,

"I thought we agreed that we had to give Sam what he needed," Bobby said a puzzled frown, he wasn't happy about it either but they had to do what was best for Sam.

"He doesn't want it…you should have seen the way he looked at me…"

"Listen, Dean sooner or later we have to get out there…see what's going on and sooner or later Sam's gonna snap, "Bobby paused as he looked back down at the book, "He doesn't know what he's doing, we just have to make a decision for him"

****

_**Dean tightened his grip on Sam and tried to pull him away form the spiral of light that was currently tearing through the ground at a rapid but seemingly slow pace. But Sam just tightened his grip on Dean's jacket and pulled Dean closer to him. They were both holding on so tight the forces of their pulls were cancelled out and they literally weren't moving. Dean didn't really want them to stay here…if this was….if this was it, then they had to be as far away as possible, because standing here while Lucifer got out of jail? Dean was pretty sure that was practically suicide. Maybe if they managed to make it to Bobby's they'd be safe there. He didn't even know if Bobby was okay but he knew Sam would be safe there. And that was all that mattered to Dean because Sam? He looked like a broken man…his face was still contorted with horror caused by what he'd done. Dean wanted to tell him that it wasn't his fault, it was Ruby's fault and she was gone now…but he didn't think that it would help Sam out right now. Dean really wished that he could kill Ruby all over again. He wished he'd gone with her and Sam and killed her before it'd become too late. Even if Sam wouldn't have forgiven him, he'd rather that then Sam having to carry this burden on his shoulders for the rest of his life.**_

***

Dean looked around outside as he waited patiently in the yard. _Come on, Cas…where are you?_ He asked silently but Cas never came. It was dark and the moon was really high up in the sky. Dean could feel a charged atmosphere in the air and it was almost as if something in the universe had changed. Like it knew that pure evil had been let out.

***

"_**Sam," Dean said loudly, "We have to go" he'd tried to get Sam to leave earlier but that hadn't worked. Sam just gripped his jacket even tighter and whispered,**_

"_**I can't" his eyes wide and fixed on the scene unravelling in front of them. He turned to Dean for a split second," Are the angels going to come after me?" he asked in that same whispered tone, his grip loosening slightly as his voice broke off. Dean didn't know how to answer that because he'd broken his promise or oath or whatever and Cas had disobeyed and he didn't know where he stood with the angels. He didn't really care if he was honest. They'd been tricked by the angels. It sounded more and more ridiculous every time he thought about it. He thought that they were the good guys. Yeah, they were shady but they were still holy right? **_**'Sam has an important role to play in all of this' **_**so this was Sam's job? Starting the freaking apocalypse. Slowly he realised that no angel would be after Sam, no he'd done his part. They were just going to leave him down here on there stupid battleground along with tons of innocent people. Dean didn't even want to begin to think about what his part in all of this would be because killing Lucifer seemed pretty damn unlikely from where he was standing. It was more likely to be the other way round. He realised suddenly that he hadn't answered Sam's question but one look at Sam told him that he didn't need to. Sam was there physically but he wasn't **_**really there. **_**Dean didn't even want to know what was going on inside his head. He looked so lost.**_

_**XXX**_

Dean unlocked the door and walked back in and saw that Sam was sitting in the exact same position. He'd barely shut the door behind him when Sam said,

"I don't want it…and you can't make me take it" _I never said I was going to, _Dean thought as he leant on the door.

"So," Dean said, "What happened with Ruby?". Sam flinched as he said her name and Dean frowned slightly.

"Are you and Bobby gonna keep me locked up in here forever?" Sam asked in a shaky voice completely ignoring Dean's question, "Because I could do with a shower" and he smiled weakly. Dean didn't smile back.

"No one's forcing you to stay here, it's just safer here" he said in a serious tone.

"So why'd you lock the door?" Sam asked in an accusatory tone and Dean shrugged and said,

"Old habit"

"Whatever"

"Bitch"

"Jerk" Sam shot back with a small smile and he held Dean's gaze. They looked at each other for a few seconds before Sam turned away. But Dean felt like they were getting there slowly, however this was only the start.

XXX

_**Dean grabbed Sam and pulled him towards the door which was still open from when Dean had finally managed to kick it open. Sam didn't even protest at first, he just kept on murmuring, **_

"_**I have to stop it" over and over again and Dean didn't think Sam knew that he was even moving. Dean had to fight back the urge to tell Sam to shut the hell up because those five words was all Dean had heard for the past year and he was sick of it, sick of the angels and their fucked up reasoning. How the hell was he supposed to stop Lucifer? It was just riddles and bullshit and he was tired of it all. As they got further and further down the dark hallway Sam seemed to realised what was happening,**_

"_**No" he said slowly as he wrenched his arm from Dean's hold, "We can't just leave" Dean felt a flash of anger but he said nothing. This wasn't this time or place.**_

"_**We can't just let this happen" Sam said and Dean couldn't hold back this time.**_

"_**Well newsflash Sam,**_** you **_**already have" Dean spat out but then he but his lip instinctively as his harsh tone echoed in his own ears, "I'm sorry…I didn't mean that" But Sam just shook his head slightly, **_

"_**No, you're right," he stated in a shaky whisper, "This is my fault…I let it happen" Dean didn't know what to say to that so he just allowed silence to pass over them.**_

_**XXX**_

"So what did happen?" Dean asked for the second time and Sam sighed and he said,

"You were right, I was wrong, what you want to say I told you so?" and Dean raised an eyebrow at the harshness of his tone,

"Because I'm just one big screw up and you hate me, you think I'm a monster" Sam continued and Dean didn't really understand it until he saw that Sam's hands were trembling.

"I told you that I didn't leave that message...I don't...I don't think you're a monster, Sammy" Dean said in what he hoped was a reassuring tone because that voicemail message had been...awful. It pained him to think that, that was what had pushed him over the edge; that they'd used _him _to get to Sam.

"I didn't know that then" Sam said as if he'd been reading Dean's mind, "And look you don't have to pretend Dean...let's just focus on...him and how we're gonna get rid of him"

"Pretend?" Dean queried with a genuine frown

"Pretend, that we're okay...because we're not" Sam said simply. Dean didn't say anything for while because he knew that Sam was right but what did it have to do with Sam telling him what happened? It was still his business, like it or not they were still in this together.

"How about this you tell me what happened you and I'll fill on in on what happened with me?" He breathed a sigh of relief when Sam nodded.

XXX

"Then I heard you…" Sam said, "I couldn't believe you were there…not after what happened…after the fake voicemail…and I wasn't going to do it, Ruby was screaming at me but I couldn't hear what she was saying…and I was going to come to you…just to see if I could make things right" Sam trailed off as he got a far away look on his face.

"Sam, come on what happened after that" Dean said quickly and Sam blinked up at him and continued,

"But then Lilith…she started laughing…like I was a big joke and then she said that I'd turned myself into a monster and I just flipped…it took everything I had but I killed her"

"And what happened after that," Dean prompted not wanting Sam to veer off track again.

"She fell to the floor and then her blood started to run out and form some sort of symbol…I didn't recognise it, I asked Ruby what was going on but she was like amazed, she said that I'd opened the door and everything stopped…I…I" Sam stopped once more and Dean could tell he was struggling but it was also helping Sam a little bit now that it was all out in the open.

"What did she say?" he asked gently

"It was a trick everything, her and Lilith were in it together…the plan was to get me strong enough to kill Lilith because she was the last seal…"

"Yeah..."

"You knew?" Sam asked in surprise.

"That's what I was there, Cas told m right before he busted me out of the angel place and we went to Chuck and found out that you'd be here and he brought me here…don't know what happened to him yet though" Panic flashed through Sam's eyes for a brief second and Dean wondered what he was thinking.

"And you know the rest" was all he said before he looked away, "So what's happening out there…" Dean shrugged, the number of signs and omens had increased dramatically but he didn't want to worry Sam but he figured that not telling him the truth was one of the reasons why they were in this mess.

"Just some minor quakes and cattle dying, it's early days yet" he replied not really caring that he wasn't being really elaborate. Sam just nodded.

"You were right," Sam said finally and Dean raised an eyebrow as he waited for his brother to continue, "It wasn't what I was doing, it was who I was…am…"

"Sam…" Dean started to say but Sam held up a hand to stop him.

"Don't make excuses for me Dean…just don't, I knew what I was doing, I let my pride and selfishness get in the way…I wasn't willing to let you or anyone stand in the way, hell I almost killed you and I was wrong, you _do _know me and you were right, I _am _a monster" Sam stopped abruptly and for a second Dean though he was finished but then Sam stood up and he continued,

"I…I'm sorry Dean," he said, "I hope that one day when this is all over, if we make it…that me and you will be okay and that you'll trust me again…and that we'll be brothers again" and he walked over to the door and left Dean sitting on his own in the silent room.

_We never stopped being brothers, _Dean thought, _and we'll be together even we don't make it. _He swore to himself that he'd make sure of that and besides they _were _going to make it…

**TBC…**

**Note: **The end seems a bit…off to me because I went on holiday when I needed to literally write a few lines and I had the whole end planned out but I cannot remember a word of it so I had to improvise…*sigh* I hope it's okay though.

**Thanks for reading :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: All the song lyrics are from 'Starless' by Crossfade and one is from "Stranger Inside" by Shinedown. I don't make a habit of having song lyrics in the middle of a chap but I think it works :) And I watched the five min preview and it's like tattooed on my brain atm so I hope this isn't like rip of the first five mins of s5 and it's not mean to be**

**Thanks to those who R/R the last chapter *hugs***

_How I feel like I'm starless_

_I'm ready to fade now_

_And how I feel like I'm starless_

_I'm hopeless and grayed out_

_Somehow I feel like I'm starless_

_I'm ready to fade now_

_And now I feel like I'm starless_

_I'm ready to burn out_

Sam stood by the door not really knowing if he should go upstairs to the main part of the house seeing as he had bludgeoned Bobby with a rifle the last time they'd seen each other. The sad thing was that he knew that Bobby wouldn't hold a grudge and that just made it worse. He'd wanted Dean to hate, him to be angry with the way he was with himself. But Dean had…understood? He didn't know how to explain it. So he'd just slapped on this fake bravado when really he was breaking inside, slowly but surely. It was like he was hovering in mid air and the only way he could go was down. He didn't want to drag Dean and Bobby down with him but at the same time he knew that he couldn't leave. Not again.

_**You don't know me. You never did. Never will.**_

_**If you walk out that door, don't you ever come back.**_

_**Sam walked out of the door anyway, barely acknowledging Dean's words. Only when he reached the motel entrance did he realise that they were the same words his Dad had said to him when he'd left to go to Stanford. Slowly he remembered the way he'd gripped Dean's throat tightly and he knew that he'd crossed a line and that there was no going back.**_

_I gotta get you out of my veins_

_I gotta get you out of my blood_

_I gotta get you out of my scene_

_I gotta get you out of me_

He just couldn't deal with this, not when the demon blood was inside him…not when it would always be inside of him. He had to get it out of him, get _her _out of him. He couldn't feel her betrayal anymore, couldn't feel anything. It was like he'd blocked everything out when Dean had sat down to talk to him. He felt numb, dead inside. Because he wasn't going to be that guy who gave into his emotions, he was stronger that that. He could deal with this…he…he knew that sooner or later he'd crash and that his stupid pride would let him down once again but he couldn't help it. Those four months when Dean had been gone had really opened his eyes. Never stop until you got what you wanted. It was a stupid way of looking at things really because that wasn't how life was supposed to be. Sam shouldn't have got a thrill out of drinking the demon blood because it mean he was getting stronger, strong enough to kill Lilith

_Have you ever felt lost inside so unloved within that you almost die?_

Sam just wanted to close his eyes and forget that he existed, forget that he was Sam Winchester, that he had demon blood in him….that he'd brought on the apocalypse…forget about the fact that he wasn't even _human _anymore. He hated himself. He wished that Dean would hate him too but one look in Dean's eyes showed him that his brother didn't hate him and Sam almost resented him for that because he deserved it and a lot worse. He though about Adam…about Pam…Jess…all the people he hadn't saved and realised that their deaths were all down to him and his stupid pride, his stupid desire for revenge. Sam sank down to the floor by the door not caring that his leaving the room had been for show and that he had no intention of going anywhere. He wanted to scream, yell, and beg for those lost lives back in return of his but he couldn't. He couldn't feel anything…just an empty, hollow black pit eating away at him. But that wasn't what scared him; this was just a defense mechanism. Hiding away his true feelings so that they couldn't break or hurt him completely but he knew that his resolve would crumble and the pain would hit him like a ton of bricks and he knew that he deserved it.

_See me I'm down and I get deeper with every breath_

_See me I'm over the edge farther with every step_

_See me I'm down and I get deeper with every breath_

_Standing over the edge, I'm taking my last breath_

"_**What do I have to do?" he asked her slowly, "What do I have to do to be able to kill Lilith" She looked at him warily and she said, "Well you're not going to like it"**_

_*******_

Listening to her had been his first mistake. _I can help you save your brother. I can help you kill Lilith. I can help you stop the apocalypse. _He'd never stopped to think about what she was benefiting from this. Sam just didn't know who he was anymore, had he been tricked by someone evil and wicked or had this darkness always been inside of him waiting to be unleashed. If it hadn't had been Ruby would it have been someone.

Sam was still sitting by the door when Bobby came down the stairs that led to the 'panic room'. _Huh, _Sam thought, _Awkward. _As they shared a look Bobby nodded slightly and said,

"You okay, Sam?"

"Yeah," Sam lied easily; seemed as though it was the only thing he was good at these days and there was nothing _good _about it, "Listen Bobby, I'm sorry for…for what I- for…" Sam trailed off and Bobby made a gesture with his hand as if he was saying 'Don't worry about it'.

The drive was an uncomfortable one, even though Sam and Dean had spent the whole year riding with each other it felt like they really hadn't. For so long being in the car with Dean had seemed like such an inconvenience like he was being forced to sit there when he could be getting strong enough to kill Lilith. He'd resented his brother for not being as angry as he was, for not wanting payback as much as he wanted it. And now it was just…weird. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd…_oh. _The night that they'd locked him up. Sam could remember the conversion as clear as day; he wondered if Dean had been telling the truth or just trying to lure him into a trap. It didn't really matter now anyway so he just stopped thinking about it

He was jolted out of his thoughts by Dean calling his name loudly

"Oh sorry," he mumbled when he saw that Dean was giving him and exasperated look. They'd stopped out side a house, Chuck's house Sam remembered…and it looked a little worse for wear but it was still standing. The world wasn't in ruins or anything. There weren't several hundred fires breaking out randomly or anything. It was just still, calm as if nothing had happened.

"Sam, you coming?" Dean said impatiently and Sam hesitated. He looked to Dean for reassurance but Dean wasn't giving him any. He barely remembered leaving Bobby's and he shook his head slightly. He could do this; he didn't need anyone's help. He had to grow up, grow a pair and just sort himself out. It's what he'd been brought up to do.

He got out of the car and walked over to the front door, or well what was left of it.

xxxxxxx

"_**You did it, you opened the door and now he's free"**_

Sam shook his head, it was over, and it was done. He couldn't dwell on it anymore. He had to fix it. He turned his attention back to the situation in front of him. Dean was shouting at Zachariah or whatever his name was. Sam hadn't had much interaction with him. All he could make out was that Dean was pissed at him and Cas was gone which made Dean even more pissed. And all of that came after Dean found out that his eyes had turned black when he'd been killing Lilith. Sam didn't know anything about that, sure he'd felt the pure strength he'd needed coursing through his veins as he'd put everything he had into killing her but demon eyes…that was…it wasn't surprising. Neither was the look on Dean's face when he'd found out. Suddenly Dean had had enough of the angels and he turned and pulled the door so that the symbol he'd drawn earlier was on view. There was a loud flash of light and the angels were gone.

"I learnt that from my friend, Cas" Dean said and Sam blinked. He'd missed a lot. Since when did Dean see himself and Castiel as friends? He shook his head again. Another blink and they were in the car and Dean was talking to him.

"Sam…what's going on with you?" he asked in a flat tone.

"You don't trust me do you?" Sam said suddenly, surprising himself as well as Dean. Dean opened his mouth to answer but Sam held up a hand and smiled sadly.

"It wasn't a question that I need an answer for" he said simply. Dean frowned and remained silent for a few minutes.

"I want to trust you, I want to help you with your…problem but we have the apocalypse to deal with first, Sammy…that comes first now" he said. Sam turned to look out the window, it sounded like Dean was saying that they had to save everybody else before they could save Sam but he knew it wasn't like that and that Dean was right.

"Yeah." He replied, "You're right…s'not like there's a demon blood rehab centre nearby anyway" he chuckled dryly and Dean's face froze.

"Are you in pain?" he asked and Sam shrugged but didn't answer, "It would be easier if you…maybe took some…"

"I'm not doing that anymore" Sam said almost automatically and he flinched as he felt a sense of déjà vu.

_**So how do I tone up?**_

_**You know how…**_

_**No, I'm not doing that anymore**_

_**Sam..**_

_**I said no.**_

He'd stopped then, he could do it now right? No powers, no demon blood.

"Okay," Dean said warily and Sam clenched his fists and let himself get lost inside his head. It was the only way he could keep the pain away.

_What I'm really trying to get down into words_

_Is the way I fit into this world_

_Things I survived pushed me to the darker side_

_It's a cold gun that I kiss_

_Because I cannot break anymore_

_**The first time he'd taken the demon blood he gagged and retched. 'It's okay' she told him, 'you'll get used to it' And he'd just gone back to practice, nothing but bitterness and revenge on his mind.**_

_**But seeing Dean put everything into perspective, he'd promised…what he was doing it was wrong. But he still continued, the need for revenge was still there. **_

_**Then he'd gotten caught in the act. Still he had no intentions of stopping. Not until he saw firsthand what would happen if he continued. In his eagerness for revenge he'd end up hurting Dean, innocent people. When it was all over how would he feel then? When he finally came to his senses and realised what he'd done how selfish he'd been. He knew he had to stop; so he stopped.**_

_**But the need for revenge remained.**_

Sam blinked suddenly, realising that he was outside and that his thoughts had taken over once again. But that wasn't what brought him back to full awareness. Someone was here. Or rather, something was here.

A man stepped out of the shadows, his blonde hair glinting in the moonlight. He had a bright glow around him that was almost blinding Sam but then the light disappeared and Sam gasped,

"Lucifer," he whispered in a shocked tone.

"Sam," the man said in a silky, smooth tone, "We meet at last…I've heard great things about you, boy, but I can't stay, places to go, people to kill" Lucifer laughed when he saw the look on Sam's face.

"I was just kidding," he said, "I have people to do all that for me as you know" and Sam's eyes just widened further and all he could say was,

"What do you want from me?" in that same shocked whisper. And Lucifer smiled, it was quite charming actually but this just confused Sam even further.

"You opened the door, son, you set me free, the question is what do you want from me?" he said.

Sam opened and closed his mouth repeatedly,

"I don't want _anything _from _you, _get the hell away from me" Lucifer grinned at him and said,

"See you around" and he vanished into the night leaving a trembling and visibly shaken Sam to stand by himself in Bobby's yard.

**Tbc…**


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors Note**: I switch POV's in this chap between Sam and Dean.

* * *

Dean stood by the back door and watched as Sam stood there in the darkness. He just didn't know what was going on inside Sam's head. Sam had asked if he trusted him and Dean couldn't answer. Obviously, the answer was no. He knew that Sam hadn't been himself but they had to learn to trust each other again. Dean was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear Sam approaching the door. Sam looked…scared and Dean frowned, had he missed something.

"Sam…what is it?" he asked. Sam didn't answer he just pushed past Dean and went inside. Dean watched as Sam grabbed a couple of Tylenol tablets from the bottle and swallowed them down with a bottle of scotch.

"Sam?" he tried again but still Sam didn't answer; he just stood there with the bottle and kept on swigging out of it.

"I saw him" Sam said finally and Dean froze.

"What?" he said, "He was here…and he didn't do anything to you?"

"Why would he, I set him free after all" Sam said bitterly and Dean didn't know how to respond to that.

"Did he possess someone?"

"Yes,"

"What did he say?"

"Nothing much,"

"Well, where did he go after?"

"I don't know, okay?!" Sam yelled finally, "Just stop it, I am not some sort of demonic expert, he was there for literally two minutes, we didn't have time to discuss our game plans, so just leave me alone"

"Right now, you're the only one who's seen him so I can't leave you alone" Dean said stubbornly and Sam just threw his hands up in the air and walked out of the room.

Bobby appeared with some print outs and Dean glanced at him. They hadn't been able to find much since Lucifer had been let out and Bobby had called Rufus and some other hunters are the whole hunting world was pretty much on its toes. No one knew what type of time frame they were working on or even just what it was or who it was that they were up against,

"Sam saw him, "Dean said as soon as Bobby looked up from the print outs,

"I'm not surprised," Bobby said truthfully and Dean did a double take,

"Why not? I frickin' was!" he replied.

"Sam was the one who released him, Ruby's dead and Lilith is dead…and that leaves Sam" Bobby explained then he cleared his throat and changed the subject, "The markets have fallen steeply…again and the number of small earthquakes has doubled since yesterday"

"And you think that these are all because of the apocalypse?" Dean questioned and Bobby nodded. They stood there in silence not knowing what to do or say. No book could tell them how to stop the end of the world, it was unheard of and right now it was like they were dangling over the edge not knowing when that final gust of wind would push them over and kill them.

"What do we do now?" Dean asked quietly, not really expecting an answer so he was surprised when he got one.

"We have to talk to the angels again," Sam said as he leant on the door he'd disappeared through not long ago.

~*~

Sam found himself outside again, a few hours later. He was exhausted but he was too afraid to sleep. Afraid of the dark nightmares that he knew he would have. Dean and Bobby were asleep and he'd escaped out here as soon as he could. He was deep in thought when he heard a sudden noise, like metal dropping onto the floor. He stepped forward as he tried to pinpoint the source of the noise. He looked, left, right and behind but saw nothing. He wondered it if was _him _again. Maybe he'd come for them, he sized the place up and he was going to kill them. Sam wished he had some sort of weapon on him not that it would help, but at least he'd feel safer.

"Who's there?" he called his question being met with silence. Until….he heard footsteps approaching him and he tensed. His eyes widened with shock when he saw who it was,

"Cas…" he said in a confused tone, "I though you were…" Cas looked pale and drawn and Sam wondered what had happened to him. He looked Sam in the eye and said,

"Sam…I'm sorry…" his voice quiet and full of emotion.

"You knew didn't you," Sam said in an accusatory tone, "You knew all along that Lilith was the final seal…god…why didn't you say anything?"

"I tried…you saw what happened," Cas said in a defeated voice. Sam knew that Cas wasn't to blame but he needed someone to blame.

"This is all your fault," Sam shouted angrily, "What are you even doing here? I though you were dead…"

"I've been demoted, stripped of my duties and powers," Cas said, "I'm practically human"

"Very, funny," Sam said with a cold smile but then it faded and he looked down and said, "I saw him…he was here…he was…I can't explain, it wasn't what I expected him to be like"

"Lucifer, is still an angel, he's not a demon…that's what makes him so dangerous" Cas explained.

"Huh," Sam said with a wry smile, "I don't know whose worse, him or you guys"

Cas looked down at his feet and he sighed,

"For what it's worth, I though that what we were doing was wrong, but I couldn't stop them, I don't have that kind of authority"

"Guess we've all been manipulated by others" Sam said in a distant voice, "Or maybe that's what we've been telling ourselves, you could have told us and faced the consequences but you didn't, I should have told Ruby where to go but I didn't…and Dean put too much trust in you" and he walked towards the back door before turning back once more to say,

"I'll send Dean out here"

Cas simply sighed again; he couldn't really say anything to make Sam see that what had happened wasn't his fault when Sam obviously blamed him. As Sam got back inside he saw that Dean was sitting up on a chair obviously waiting for him. Sam opened his mouth to say something but Dean held up his hand as if to say 'Don't'.

~*~

Dean had been waiting to talk to Sam for what seemed like hours, he'd seen that Sam was outside but he seriously didn't want a ringside seat at Sam meets The Devil part 2. So he'd just waited. When Sam came in he realised that he didn't know what to say, he'd felt bad ever since they had that conversation in the car and he just wanted to make things right.

"Listen Sam, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry…I know that this is tough on you and that none of this is your fault and I-"Dean stopped as Sam cut in abruptly.

"I get it," He said a tight voice, "Cas is outside, I guess he's here to see you". Dean ignored the bitter tone of Sam's voice and he said,

"What did he say to you?"

"Ask him" Sam said and Dean wondered what he'd done to make Sam angry, but instead of saying anything he just shot Sam a look before heading outside.

"Hello, Dean" Cas said when Dean reached him. Dean just glared at him and said,

"I thought you were dead,"

"No, I was temporarily defeated by the archangel but it didn't kill me" Cas explained.

"So what happens now?" Dean asked, "What are we supposed to do now? What are your angel buddies planning for me"

"My 'angel buddies' as you put it are unlikely to give me any information seeing as I disobeyed orders"

"Well, I'm…I'm glad that you're not dead and thanks for helping out with Sam and all…" Dean said and Cas nodded.

"What's going on Cas?" he asked, "I mean is this the end, Armageddon…what?"

"The apocalypse is a gradual process, it might takes years for you to see the effects and damage it's brought on?" Cas sighed deeply, a hint of regret in his eyes.

Dean studied him silently for a moment before frowning,

"Years?" he questioned and Cas nodded again and Dean fought off the wave of irritation that passed through him.

"What about my brother?' he asked not able to keep the tremble out of his voice, "What happens to Sam?"

"We don't know how dangerous he is, or what he's capable of…also other hunters know about what's happened…what he did"

"But he's still human, right? He's still Sam" Dean asked in a hopeful tone that didn't quite reach his eyes, he looked down at the ground,

"I promised my Dad that I would save him…I _promised_" There was a long silence as Dean studied the ground closely and Cas _just stood there._ Finally, Cas broke the silence,

"That's not all you promised him," Dean looked up sharply as the words registered in his mind, "It might be too late for Sam, but not you Dean, you _have _to stop the world from ending, Sam's not your main concern anymore…and I think that you know that". With that final statement, Cas disappeared leaving Dean with the bitter, cold, wind blowing in his face. It's not like Dean hadn't thought about it. He knew that it wasn't about saving Sam anymore, it was about saving everybody. But just because everyone else had given up on Sam it didn't mean that he had to.

***

_Chuck sighed as he felt the headache coming along…he had the visions more often now and he spent more time knocked out than he did awake. He took another swig from the bottle of Jack in his hand and finally succumbed to the darkness of his vision. _

_Sam was standing there with his arm outstretched and a demon lay in front of him blood trickling from a wound on her face. Dean was looking at Sam in horror and yelling his name but Sam wasn't responding, he'd sensed the demon blood and he was edging closer and closer with a look of greed and hunger in his eyes. There was a flash and then Chuck woke up, covered in sweat and breathing heavily. _

…**To Be Continued!**


	5. Chapter 5

**So i'm updating at last! Yay. It's my birthday tomorrow and I so wanted to get this out of the way! Chapter 6 is done and will be up next weekish. I'm sorry that this took SO long, I hope you like :D**

**ETA: the formatting in here is all weird because I typed it Notepad on my phone - hard times - hee.**

x

* * *

When Dean got back inside, Sam was gone. Dean called out his name but it was pointless, he wasn't there. Dean sighed, "You selfish son of a bitch" he mumbled under his breath. He heard a noise and that was when he noticed. Bobby was lying in a heap on the ground and not moving. As Dean rushed forward he was thrown backwards and into the opposite wall. He turned and his eyes widened as a demon stepped forward, her eyes black and gleaming and Dean fought off a wave of fear. His first thought was Ruby but he'd killed her, hadn't he?  
"Hey dean, its been a long time" she said with a smirk,"I bet you're real proud of Sammy, I know I am". Dean glared at her with an angry look on his face as she continued,  
"None of us thought Sam could step up to his role...we would have been quite happy to see him actually, but we got we wanted. Oh and by the way, nice job with bitch Ruby, means we don't have to put up with the constant bragging about wonderboys antics,". Dean continued to glare,  
"Meg," he said simply. It was more of a statement than a question but she still answered.  
"That's one of my names,"  
"Where's Sam?" Dean asked as he glared at her. Meg shrugged,  
"He's probably trying to get one of those special drinks he likes so much, I almost feel sorry for him - it's not like he need the blood in the first place"  
"What?" Dean practically shouted and Meg smiled.  
"That slut was trying to cut corners, make his powers appear faster, but what do you know? I guess we're all addicts deep down inside" she laughed as Dean gave her a dirty look.

~*~

Sam pulled the car to a halt and ran a hand through his hair. What the hell was he doing? he was running away, like the coward he was. But he  
couldn't do it, face Dean...or other hunters or anyone. The world was  
coming to an end and he'd caused it. What was the point of him trying to save anything? He couldn't save anything. No all he did was cause pain and he didn't want to that anymore. he had to lay low for a while as he figured out what to do. He looked  
at his hands and saw that they were still shaking. It'd been two days  
since he'd been near demon blood and he was becoming more and more on edge and he knew soon that the hallucinations would start and he wouldn't be able to resist it anymore. Cas was right, it wasn't about  
saving 's what had gotten them in this mess in the first place.

"Y'know, Sam self-pity really isn't your thing' a voice from the backseat said and Sam spun around. Anna.  
"Anna? what? how did you" he stammered as he tried to get his question out.  
"Dean's in trouble" she said in a grave tone.  
"He doesn't need my help, he's got the angels" Sam said, his tone indifferent.  
"Listen, Dean doesn't HAVE angels, they're not his family, you are!" She argued and Sam shook his head,  
"NO" he whispered, "I can't what about the blood, my powers..."

"Exactly, in spite of that, he still came back - still wants to beyour brother" Anna said.  
"Why.." Sam asked knowing that she couldn't answer.  
"If you want that answer you have get to dean now" and then she was gone and Sam had to make a decision.

Sam barely remembered the drive to Bobby's. He was thinking about the one time he'd willingly used his powers without Ruby or any demon blood. It'd been that time at Max Miller's house and he'd seen a vision of Dean dying. Sam believed that if he could just muster that strength and try to regain that feeling he'd sensed back then. Sam knew that it would probably make the craving stronger, but he had to do it.

He sensed her before he even saw her. It was a demon - Meg - he recognised her straight away. He froze as he considered his options. He could fight her or try to use his powers. If he displayed any sign of being a control then she would go; he was sure of that. He could see Dean lying on the floor by the bookshelf, his face covered in blood. Bobby was lying face down in a crumpled heap on the floor. Sam felt a jolt of energy go through him; he had to do something.  
"Meg," he called as he stepped into view. She looked up at him with a smug smile on her face.  
"Sammy," she said, "So glad you could make it, you nearly missed all the fun," Sam didn't reply, he just raised his hand up towards her.  
"Oh please, it's not like you've had your blood cocktail so don't waste your time, I'm-" Sam blocked her out as he closed his eyes and used all his strength to send her flying into the wall opposite Dean. Sam stood there, his chest heaving as he felt the energy draining out of his system.  
"S-Sam?" he heard Dean mumble but he was suddenly focused on the trickle of blood coming from a deep gash on Meg's forehead. Unconciously, Sam stepped forward, the smell and sight were goading him, teasing him.  
"Sam! No! Don't do it, come on Sam you can fight it!" Dean was practically screaming his name but Sam couldn't stop moving closer and soon everything became blurry and distant. Except for the blood. He needed or did he just want it? He wanted to be strong, to be someone the demons feared, someone Lucifer feared. But how  
could he crave the same poison that had made him the way he was, the blood that had cursed him since he was 6 months old. It hurt like hell but Sam managed to stop moving. He stood the for what seemed like a lifetime before he stepped backwards,  
"N-no," he stammered before turning to Meg and saying,  
"Get out of here," Meg stood up slowly as she brushed dust of her jacket.  
"You won't last," she spat out before running out of the room; there was a loud bang as the door slammed and then there was silence. Sam let out a breath that he hadn't realised he'd been holding. Sam turned to Dean and saw that he was watching him with a cold, angry stare.  
"Where the hell were you?" he spat out in an accusatory tone. Sam didn't answer, instead he went over and helped Dean up.  
"You okay?" he asked when Dean had shrugged him off.  
"Answer my damn question, Sam" Dean yelled and Sam stepped back in shock.  
"I just needed to clear my head, figure some things out," Sam replied knowing that Dean would not believe him.  
"No you weren't," Dean said in defiance, "You were running away...did you take any demon blood? Huh? You find any magic blood capsules?" Dean was up in Sam's face now and he was openly yelling at him.  
"I didn't drink any demon blood," Sam said quietly.  
"I don't believe you," Dean shot back, "You know what? Get out,"  
Sam looked up, his eyes widening in shock,  
"What?"  
"You heard, I want you gone...I can't deal with you anymore, you can go and do whatever you want, Sam, just don't do it anywhere near me. We're done" Sam just stared at Dean, his eyes glistening with tears,  
"Don't make me walk away again, Dean...just let me explain,"  
"No," Dean said firmly his eyes unmoving and cold. Sam swallowed,  
"If i'm not here with you and Bobby, then I have nothing, no one,"  
"Yeah well that didn't bother you before did it," Dean replied his face remaining indifferent, "Just go...don't make this any harder than it already is," and without another word Sam left and Dean wondered if he'd done the right thing. The trouble was he already knew the answer - he just didn't want to face it.

_**4 months later**__**  
**__**Sam was approaching the house slowly. It was grand house, big with an air of wealth surrounding it. But inside the house something evil beckoned for anyone to fall into its dark trap. Sam was walking towards him slowly, his eyes were bloodshot and his face was pale. He looked as though he hadn't slept for months; his hair had grown out and it was greasy and unkept. Sam looked like he'd given up - like this was the end for him. The man looked up and there was silence until he spoke.**__**  
**__**"Did you do it?" He asked.**__**  
**__**Sam nodded shakily, he tried to regain composure before he spoke.**__**  
**__**"Y-yes i-it's done," he stammered, "I killed my brother"**__**  
**__**The man smiled then, it was cold and bitter.**__**  
**__**"You'd better not be lying about Dean" he said, "I've been unable to locate him..." Sam straightened up and his expression darkened,**__**  
**__**"There's no need" He said firmly, "I already told you, he's dead". Sam's heart was beating quite fast but his face remained indifferent. He couldn't mess this up; not now. Not when he was so close to achieving everything. So close to winning this war. If he made one mistake then he'd be screwed. He had to keep his nerve - he had to make things right.**__**  
**__**"Are you ready? Are you ready to step up and be who you're meant to be?" He said and Sam took a deep breath and stepped forward.**__**  
**__**"Yes," he said, "I'm ready".**_

To be continued


	6. Chapter 6A

**Chapter 6 is split into two parts because stupid me tried to include a character I liked from an earlier season in a stupid way that made no sense so I have my Dean and Bobby bit's written whereas the Sam bit has gone to hell. Somehow I have the opening for chapter 7 without rectifying this….*SikemiNat FAIL***

**Hope you like. **

**

* * *

  
**

Part A

A day later and Dean was regretting his words because if it went pear-shaped it'd be on him. It would be his fucking fault and Dean was tired of being the one to blame. He said as much to Bobby who merely raised an eyebrow and said,

"The way it wasn't your fault that he embraced his demonic side?" Dean froze, he saw that bobby wasn't finished and he motioned for him to continue.

"You went to hell - because of him, he had no one, all he had was that strong desire of revenge, eating away at him" Bobby explained, "It might be heard for you to hear, boy but you dying opened up a part of Sam that one wanted to see, it was his way of coping, Dean...it wasn't his fault, he didn't start anything! And you? You're not blameless so pull your damn head out of your ass and deal with this like the Dean Winchester I know, Sam's your brother - he's family, make that mean something,". Dean ran a hand through his hair as his shoulders slumped. He knew that Bobby was right; he knew that he'd been rash but what if...

"What if it's too late?" Dean asked, "What if he doesn't want to know...what if I've pushed him too far?" Bobby sighed and walked over to the window and looked out of it with a pained expression on his face,

"Who knows what state he's in...?And now he thinks that he's not welcome here...did you have to throw him out of my house?" Bobby seemed angry and all Dean could say was,

"I'm sorry,". Bobby just sighed and shook his head. There was nothing he could do…they just had to wait. Dean meanwhile just didn't know what direction to head in they still had the apocalypse to worry about. Just as he had this though Cas appeared and Dean sighed. Was it too much to ask for some room to think? He could do without this.

"What?" he said bluntly. Cas made a big show of looking around before asking,

"Where's Sam, I need to warn him," Dean froze,

"Warn him about what?" Castiel looked Dean in the eye.

"Lucifer wants to recruit him" he said simply. Dean's heart sank.

*********************************

Dean was pacing about furiously his phone gripped tightly in his hand as if it was some sort of life line. He called Sam so many times and gotten voicemail that he was surprised that Sam hadn't ditched the phone. He bit back that thought but it was too late – it'd escaped anyway. He wished that he had the laptop or just anyway of tracking him down. He could NOT let Lucifer get anywhere his brother. Not when…not when he was supposed to save him. Dean knew that he'd fallen into old habits but he couldn't help feel that it'd always be his duty to protect to Sam. He also couldn't help feeling as though he'd failed. Badly.

There was a knock on the door. Hope sprang up within Dean at the though of it being Sam and he all but ran to answer it, surprised to Ellen, Jo and Rufus at the door. He opened his mouth to say something but he didn't even get a chance.

"We know everything," Ellen said in a grim voice, "Where is he?" before Dean could answer she pushed her wat in. When Dean finally reached the front room he could hear Bobby and Ellen arguing furiously.

" to Sam. He also couldn't help feeling as though he'd failed. Badly.

There was a knock on the door. Hope sprang up within Dean at the though of it being Sam and he all but ran to answer it, surprised to Ellen, Jo and Rufus at the door. He opened his mouth to say something but he didn't even get a chance.

"We know everything," Ellen said in a grim voice, "Where is he?" before Dean could answer she pushed her way in. When Dean finally reached the front room he could hear Bobby and Ellen arguing furiously.

"You're _not _going to kill Sam" Bobby was saying, "We're already in the middle of the apocalypse, what the _hell _would that achieve"

"We're hunters, Bobby, just like you and we kill evil" Rufus joined in and earned himself a dirty look from Bobby.

"Shut the hell up Rufus, the kids not evil! He just made a mistake, it's not his fault" Bobby argued and Dean felt like he was watching a TV show. He felt detached. He should have been the one defending Sam but he wasn't…he couldn't. Jo must have sensed something because she piped up as well,

"What do you think Dean?" she asked and Dean wanted to rip her to shreds. In the end he shrugged and said,

"I agree with Bobby," in an unconvincing tone. Bobby's face fell with disappointment and Rufus smiled,

"See, Dean here knows we're right – Sam Winchester has to die. Jo and Ellen nodded their heads in agreement and Dean wanted the scream at them. Shut up! You don't know Sam! No one does. Dean couldn't take this anymore, he had to find Sam. He grabbed the Impala keys and went through to the wall way and straight our of the front door without saying another word.

If there's a job worth doing, you do it yourself. He was the one had to find Sam, he was the one who had to forgive Sam.

_I have to face what's in front of me, I made mistakes too. But we're family. That's what matters. At the end of the day he's still my brother and nothing could ever change that._

To be continued in "**Chapter 6: Part B**"


	7. Chapter 6B

**This takes place pretty much as the same time as Part A…I don't like to split up the POV that much but It was probably better seeing as how I messed up the Sam parts in this chap. And I call myself a Sam girl. **

**AND if you're watching season 5 and you saw episode 3, this is purely coincidental. I was gonna use another character but it just didn't gel and this was my only other option. **

**ETA: This is now a monologue-type-chapter. Sam is talking to me! He's telling me to shut up and type and that is what I will do hehe.**

**

* * *

  
**

Sam didn't know what to do, where he was going, what he was going to do. He knew that he was close to breaking point, He just needed someone to talk to, someone to listen to him. He went through the contacts of his phone his hand stilling when he came to Dean's name. Dean had left a number of voicemail messages but Sam couldn't do that to himself, not again so he hadn't listened to any of them and he wouldn't pick up his call. But one name stood out. His heart broke a bit more. They would be so disappointed in him. But they would listen. He was sure of that.

***

After what seemed like a lifetime, he found himself at the cemetery staring at her grave. It'd been years since he came here. It'd been too long. He put down the flowers; he'd brought as he stared at the headstone. Jessica's headstone. Tears started to roll down his face as he thought about what she'd think of him now. If he'd told her the truth would she still be alive? Would she have stood by him? He didn't know. But more than anything he knew that she'd listen. She always had done. Even though he knew that she knew he'd never told her everything. She wouldn't have forced it out of him. That's just who she was. Who she'd been. Sam cleared his throat,

"I-I just need someone to talk to," he said quietly, "I don't know if you can hear me…I'm not sure if I want you to, I've done things that you'd hate me for" He paused, a faraway look in his eyes,

"It's time I told you the truth". He closed his eyes and imagined he was there with her.

"The truth about what?" she asked and Sam wished to god that she was real, that she could be alive once more. But he knew that would never be the case.

"Who I really am," he replied softly as she smiled at him.

***

_And when I found out I had demon blood in me I realised that I was cursed, and that maybe whatever happened was destiny, maybe I was evil…am evil. I knew that if I told Dean that he'd look at me different, that I wouldn't be his brother anymore. I'd just be Sam Winchester, the boy with nothing but demon blood running in his veins. After that I died…and then Dean made that stupid deal. God…if there was one thing that I would change it'd be that. If I was dead, none of this would have happened…none. But we had to deal with all of it, I had to deal with Dean…I had to watch him knowing that he was practically dead because of me. The truth is that broke me, I just couldn't bear it so I just hid the pain. The deeper it was the easier it was to pretend. But I think that I knew all along that I was creating a monster inside of me. I just didn't care. Keeping Dean alive was my number one priority. Screw the demon blood, I thought, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. It was only one year but it seemed like a lifetime. Dean kept on acting like he was already dead and I just had to muddle through, and keep it together for him. It was the least I could do right? But then he admitted that he didn't want to die and I got desperate, I was keeping things from him, doing research at all hours, just driving myself crazy and nothing I couldn't find anything. Even on his last day we were still hoping to find something, and then Ruby – the demon who said she'd help my stupid ass – said something about my powers. I didn't see it then but it was all deliberate, she knew that whatever she said then would leave an impact on me. I just don't know how I could have been so stupid. Dean died and the pain I felt, it was awful…I was angry at myself, angry with Lilith. I just wanted to bring him back, why couldn't I bring him back. I tried everything but maybe I didn't try hard enough. I sometimes feel that if I'd been the one to save him he wouldn't think so little of me. But what did I do? Instead of carrying on like he told me to…I did the one thing he asked me not to. I hated him – it sounds bad but I did. I hated him so much. Why should I keep my promise when he hadn't kept his? When he'd left me here with a shitload of guilt and pain. I resented him so deeply and all I could think of was revenge. I just wanted to hurt Lilith the way I'd been hurt, I didn't care about anything. Bobby was better of without me and it's not like Dean was coming back….and the she…she was there. She was the only one who could give me wanted, what I needed. I can't believe I let her get under my skin, I let her trick me. I was so alert back then but when it came to her I was blind. Blinded by the desire for revenge. I was just so fucking stupid, I knew nothing about her…she said that Lilith freed her so she can come and kill me, made out like she was doing it for me, but I was just a puppet to her. _

_****_

_I just couldn't bear to hear Dean having the constant nightmares; have him tell me what he did in hell. I was angry with him for breaking like that. It was stupid and arrogant I know but I felt like he blamed me. I blamed me. We grew further and further apart and I think somehow I knew that I'd have to choose between what I was doing and Dean. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I was selfish and I was still carrying all that grief inside of me. It's funny, the demon blood ruined my life and I still took it…got addicted to it. Part of me thinks that I wanted to die. I was so disgusted with myself but I couldn't stop. I wanted to die killing Lilith; I wish I'd died. It would have been the coward's way out but that's exactly what I am. I knew that nothing good with come of killing her but I still did it. I did it because I thought I'd lost the only family I have. I didn't give a damn about anyone else….what kind of person does that make me? I can't even explain it to myself. But there is evil inside of me. Pure evil and I'm scared that one day I'm going to hurt Dean more than I have already. So I've made my decision. It could fail or I might succeed, I don't know. But I do know that this…thing in me will never let go, it will eat away at me until I'm not Sam anymore. All I ever wanted to be was Sam Winchester, a normal guy. But I know better than anybody that normal doesn't work. I killed you, Jess. I was so convinced that I could do it…just lead an average life. I ignored the dreams, everything I was feeling. I went looking for rings…I just wanted the life so badly that I put you in danger. And I can never ever forgive myself for it. I've put everyone I love in danger while they've fought with their entire all to keep me safe. But I'm the monster here. I'm a monster. It's time for me to put myself on the line. I have to pay for what I've done, if I have to pay with my life then so be it._

Sam wiped away the tears that had fallen from his eyes. What was the point in crying? But for some reason he couldn't stop and the sobs ripped through his chest and he couldn't talk anymore. After what seemed life forever he said a prayer for Jess and blew a kiss towards the headstone before saying,

"I started the apocalypse, and I'm sure as hell going to do whatever it takes to stop it…." As he began to walk her way he imagined her saying,

"Bye Sam…I love you," with that same smile on her face. He stopped and turned back once more.

_I love you too._

Sam turned back around and walked towards the gated entrance; it was time for him to make amends.

To be continued…..

****

What do you think? Especially of this part of the chapter - I have never written a SPN monologue before so I'm scared that it sucks badly!


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